It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
