Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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