i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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