Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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