i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
