WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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