watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
