she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
