Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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