there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
