I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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