I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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