Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
