Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize