I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
