my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
