He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
