His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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