If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
