I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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