GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
the day after is always just damage control
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
