he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
