I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
