I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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