Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
