i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
