she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I'm passing your future prison.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
pray to the hookup gods
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
