these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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