I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
