whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
