I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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