the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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