I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
There are leaves in my underwear?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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