I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
