I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
