Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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