i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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