there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Damn victory sex feels great
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
