he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
4 words: hood of his car
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
