the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
