We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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