I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
So squirting runs in the family.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
