im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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