we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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