A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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