weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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