I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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