All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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