I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
