I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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