last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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