I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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