Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
