He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
