this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I woke up under a house in Key West
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
