There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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