hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
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